Brett's Two Cents

A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn’t want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others. He took a later plane home, arriving back at 3:00am. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole, and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language, and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor, and he dragged him over to the deaf man’s house.
 
“You tell this guy that if he doesn’t give me back my $100,000, I’m going to kill him!” he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, “I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree.”
 
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, “He’s not going to tell you. He said he’d rather die first.”
 

 

One day a guy answers his door and finds a snail at his doorstep. The guy picks up the snail and tosses it in the garden. Two years later, he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and finds the same snail. And the snail says, “Hey, what was that all about?”

—From The Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book