Brett's Two Cents

For the second part of this quarantine, do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us? Asking for myself. . .

• Gas: $0
• Entertainment: $0
• Clothes: $0
• Groceries: $2,799

Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over six weeks.

It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a vineyard to homeschool one.

I wanted zombies and anarchy. Instead, we got working from home and toilet paper shortages.

You know those car commercials where there’s only one vehicle on the road? It doesn't seem so unrealistic these days. . .

I’m putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.

I stepped on my scale this morning. It said, “Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale.”

I really hope they give us a two-week notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we all will need some time to become ourselves again. And by “become ourselves”, I mean lose ten pounds, get our hair cut, and adjust to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.

People keep asking: “Is this coronavirus REALLY all that serious?” Listen, y’all: both the churches and casinos are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing, it’s probably pretty serious.

The spread of COVID-19 is based on two things:

1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.

Never in a million years could I have imagined that I would go up to a bank teller while wearing a mask and ask them for money.

Homeschool Day 1: I’m trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.

They can open things up next month — I’m staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.

Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.

Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We wander around the house looking for food, we get told “No” if we get too close to strangers, and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.

The dumbest thing I’ve ever bought was a 2020 planner. . .