When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
Human Resource Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.” Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00pm is the new midnight.
I run like the winded.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.